Dear Blue,

I get a lot out of ‘Just Ask Blue' each month; I have a question for you:

I have a friend who has hurt me deeply and I don't know how to approach her about it. She doesn't have a clue that anything is wrong or what she has done to hurt me; sometimes I think she is totally oblivious to how her words hurt people. She jokes around, but, it's in a hurtful manner. I don't want to hurt her either, but, she needs to know how she's hurt me and others! How do I begin to tell her or explain to her?

Thanks for all you do!

God Bless,
Janet from Texas
___________________________________

Dear Janet,

I would first encourage you to follow the biblical mandate found in Matthew 18:15 to go to your friend and talk to her about how you are feeling. Not only is it biblical and wise, it is also beneficial. Sometimes hurts like this dissipate with time and without confrontation, but it sounds as though this one isn't vaporizing and needs to be handled a bit more directly—but remember, that doesn't mean abrasively. One other important thing to remember is that it may even be a bit unfair to your friend to expect her to understand her wrongdoing when no one has spoken to her about it.

Begin by praying that God will guard your attitude and words so that the Enemy cannot malign the good that God can do in and through this situation. Keep in mind that the way you approach your friend can determine a lot about how she responds. If you go to her with an accusatory tone, she is likely to bow up in defense. When you tell her she has hurt others as well, she may become angry and feel as though everyone is talking about her behind her back. She may have a bit of justification for feeling this way since this has been going on for a while, which is why going to her sooner is better than waiting any longer.

I'm reminded of the prophet Nathan when he went to David (II Sam. 12), telling him the story of how a rich man had everything his heart could desire, and his neighbor had but a wee lamb that was his pet. One day the rich man took the poor neighbor's pet lamb. Upon hearing the story, David was indignant and lashed out at the rich man in the story. Nathan's response must have struck David's ears like the blunt side of a shovel. “You are the man!”

Perhaps taking a bit of literary/dramatic license from the Bible could help you in your situation. Go to your friend and ask her advice, perhaps something like, “If you had a friend who was hurting others, what would you do?” See what she suggests, and assuming she says you should speak to the friend, then tell her that is what you would like to do, but you are afraid of offending her or making her angry. She will likely tell you something to the effect of, “If she is really your friend, she will listen and not become angry.”

That is when the moment would be right for God to reveal to her heart the truth behind her treatment of others. Your prayers ahead of time will lay the ground work for your talk with your friend and in the end if she becomes angry even after telling you a real friend would listen, then it will be between her and her Lord. God's Word tells us how to handle such things, and we can't go wrong when we obey Him. Do what He tells you to do, then leave the results with Him. It could very well be that there are lessons He wants to teach your friend through this. Don't stand in His way by neglecting to do what He's asked of you.

Above all, always keep asking, seeking, and knocking.

Blue