Stepping Out of My Darkness

It is in the quietest crucible of your personal,

Private sufferings, that your noblest dreams are born,

And God's greatest gifts are given in compensation

For what you have been through.

Author Unknown

How often I have found these words to be true. I admit to you today reader that I have in the past suffered from depression, and, from time to time, I still do. I have never seen a doctor about it because I do not want to be medicated (nor do I want to be officially diagnosed). But I know and recognize the signs when they appear. At one time, years ago, I had suicidal thoughts. I even had the shotgun across my lap!! Thinking back on that point in my life, I now realize just how foolish and selfish that was of me.

Why do I share this with you, most of you strangers to me? Well, over the years I have come to realize that everyone has a season in life that depression sets in, at least once. That “season” may last for years. And as seasons do, it can return. So I am NOT alone in this. My primary reason for sharing this with you is to give hope and encouragement.

Two of my passions are reading and writing. I have what seems to be an unquenchable thirst and hunger for knowledge and understanding. Many of the books contained within my private library are concerned with improving my walk with the Lord; drawing closer to Him in all areas of my life. I look up at my shelves and I see Lucado sitting there. His neighbors are C.S. Lewis, Swindol, Warren, Blackaby, and Colson, just to name a few. I try to make the time everyday to read from at least a couple of these giants, as well as a chapter each from the Old Testament, Proverbs, Psalms, and the New Testament.

So what does all this reading have to do with being depressed? Maybe the depression is caused by all the reading!! I say that in jest. Indeed, there have been many times that all this reading has been a part of what has helped me cope with depression. How? By revealing to me that depression is truly a natural thing to go through and showing me how to deal with life's unpleasant surprises by reminding me not only who I am in Christ, but who the Lord God most high is.

In my case, the depression I have had to deal with I now see as a blessing, not a curse. I can say this with joy because I am in good company. Let me give you an incomplete list of people in the bible that suffered with depression at one point or another also:

Adam & Eve – Imagine dealing with your own failure, being kicked out of paradise, and having to explain to your kids why things are the way they are compared to what they could have been.

Joseph – Betrayed by his brothers.

Moses – 40 years of hiding on the backside of a desert.

Gideon – Threshing wheat in a winepress out of fear of his enemies.

Samson – Betrayed by one he loved. Then enslaved and blinded.

Ruth – Lost her husband and both sons.

Elijah – A righteous man hiding from an evil king and queen.

David – Pursued by King Saul for 10 years. Then his family and kingdom cursed because of his sin with Bathsheba.

Jonah – A self-righteous man.

Job – If anyone had a reason to be depressed, this man did.

Jeremiah – The weeping Prophet.

Jesus – In the garden.

Peter – Denied Jesus 3 times

Paul – Snake bitten, shipwrecked, beaten, arrested, jailed.

John – Imprisoned on an island.

There are others, but I believe you are beginning to get the point. The common denominator for all these folks was their personal relationship with God. For a few of these folks, they didn't know in the beginning of their journey that a personal relationship with God was even possible. For others, it was natural. Even at the low points in their lives, when they may have felt most distant from God, His presence was there with them. Study them, and be encouraged. If you can find a study on them, I recommend you get your hands on it and dive into it. You will be blessed.

As I have read through many of the authors I earlier mentioned, I have come to understand that God allows certain trials and tribulations into our lives, not to punish us, but to GROW us in Christ. It was a happy day when I was able to get my mind around this because I thought I was being punished, or set up for disappointment, because God was angry at me. This is not so, however. When I have such thoughts, it is either I creating such thoughts, or it is a lie from hell sent to derail me.

God was actually doing a work in me to make me more like His Son Jesus. He used my weaknesses to show me that I could stand some improving in certain areas of my life, whether I liked it or not, and these changes were needed in order that I may be reduced and Christ increased. You see, I thought I had it all together as a Christian man, husband, and father. What God does or allows, is done to show me my imperfections, and to increase my reliance on Him, rather than myself. I need to pursue spiritual perfection, and the only way that can happen is by challenging me.

When those trials come, I sometimes go into a depression beating myself up, withdrawing from others, people that loved me, because I had failed. I have also told myself that my failures are what I deserve and that others would be disappointed in me because I failed. I tell myself I didn't deserve anyone's love. I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE PERFECT IN ALL THINGS!! Thank God for the breakthroughs he provided in my life. Even though I still am too hard on myself at times, I have come to realize that failure is a part of life. I have also come to understand that God is always with me; on the mountaintops, and in the valleys. And in both places, I need to remain humble before Him.

I need to make a couple of more points before I close. At the beginning of this page I mentioned that at one time I had suicidal thoughts. I, a Christian, wanting to throw away this most precious gift God has given us. What stopped me? I began to think about my son, who was 16 years old at the time. I don't know if it was actually my thoughts, or if it was God pleading with me not to do this. But I began to think about what kind of a legacy I was leaving him. What will my doing this say to him about how we deal with life's disappointments? I had done my best to raise him in a Christian home and to depend on the Lord, especially when things got tough. What hypocrisy! He would think that everything I had taught him was a lie. I also thought about my parents and how much this would hurt them. I didn't want to hurt anyone; I just wanted my hurt to end. Then I thought about the teenagers in my church's youth group I volunteered to work with. How would this affect them? So I put down my shotgun, and cried out to Jesus. He began to tell me He was not done with me yet, that He had a lot of work yet for me to do in the lives of others, in His name. He told me the things I am going through will pass, that I would get better, and that he would be there with me every step of the way. So I told Him I would rely totally and completely on Him for ALL things, regardless of how rough it got for me personally. Jesus has truly surprised me in the ways He uses me to minister to others. You see, He does not call the equipped, He equips the called. And He has been faithful to what He promised, even when I did step out of His will.

Here's my final point. It is natural to withdraw from people when going through depression. You simply want to shut down and be left alone, not feeling deserving of anything good. During a recent fight with depression, I had withdrawn, again. In the midst of this, my wife told me that when I withdraw like that, it hurts her also. I didn't realize that I was hurting her while I was being hard on myself. How selfish I was being. God surrounds us with people that do love us, despite how imperfect we are. I have often called Patricia my love gift from God, because He gave her to me as an answer to prayer, and as an expression of His love for me. How thankful I am to Him for her. She has had to put up with a lot from me over the last seven years, and she has done it without complaining. She recently suggested I read a book called Out of the Darkness, by Neil T. Anderson. So I have been reading this book, and have found it to be very helpful. Patricia encourages me in many ways, and my life is richer because of her. She loves me unconditionally by choice , and only asks that I love her in the same way. She is teaching me how to love and accept not only others in the same way, but myself as well.

The Lord has also given me very loving and supportive parents. They have been there for me through the worst of times and the best of times. Their love has been unconditional as well, never expecting anything in return. How do you repay such love? By loving back in the same way.

I submit to you that surrounding yourself with loving family and friends is one of the best ways to battle depression. Notice I used the word “battle”. You must battle the impulse to withdraw, and to be hard on yourself, only thinking the worst of things. Run to your family and closest friends and allow them to minister to you. Allow them to counsel you, allow them to correct you, and offer help. Do not be proud, but humble yourself before them, and in so doing, you honor God.

You may contact Bob at: feedback@heartbeatthemagazine.com

Or bob.kemp@att.net