Friends Not In Agreement on Parenting Issues

Dear Blue,

One of my dearest girlfriends has a teen daughter who just turned 14. She is only a couple of months older than my daughter and they have been friends for several years. My friend and I have differing views in some areas of parenting, and while we've always been able to agree to disagree, I am finding it difficult to watch her daughter go through some of the emotional bruises she has gone through since her parents began allowing her to “date” boys she meets at church and at school. Just in the past few months we have seen her in three different dating relationships, each ending with the daughter in tears. By dating, I don't mean going anywhere alone or anything, it's just more of a title than anything else, although my friend does allow her daughter to hug and kiss her boyfriends.

My problem is that I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings or trample on her right to parent as she sees fit, but I also love her daughter like my own kid and it's hard to see her going through so much drama at such a young age. My daughter always tries to be there for her to listen to her and offer comfort without saying “I told you so”, but for some reason my friend's daughter seems to prefer male friends to girlfriends so my daughter feels limited in her ability to be much help. Any advice would be appreciated. My daughter and I love them both and want to be the best friends we can be.

Thanks,

Conflicted in CA

Dear Conflicted,

Your intentions are good, but (as I think you are aware) you are going to be limited in how much you can do or say in this situation. My advice under these circumstances is going to be short and simple, and I doubt I will be telling you a lot that you don't already know deep-down. Note that you may be completely right in everything you are telling your friend, but also bear in mind that regardless of what you hear about their family dynamics, you cannot possibly know every detail of what is happening. While you certainly mean well, you have to remember to respect their family autonomy as you would want your own respected.

First, continue to pray for your friend and let her know you are doing so. This is the first and best gift you can give her, and will have the most profound and lasting effect on not only the situation at hand but also on your friendship. [ You show your gratitude through your generous offerings to your needy brothers and sisters, and really toward everyone. Meanwhile, moved by the extravagance of God in your lives, they'll respond by praying for you in passionate intercession for whatever you need. Thank God for this gift, his gift. No language can praise it enough! II Cor. 9:14 MSG]

Second, do continue to share your heart with your friend if she is open to hearing your opinions. If she is willing to listen, your counsel (spoken gently and in genuine love) could provide information she may find helpful and beneficial at some point during this period of her daughter's life and beyond. Abruptly removing your wisdom and input will only subtract from the mutual blessing you and your friend can be to one another through the friendship that is God's gift to the both of you.

Continue to cultivate the foundations of your friendship outside the situation with her daughter. Talk about other aspects of your lives, other activities, other areas of common interest. Encourage her as often as possible, and point out things about her parenting that you find particularly healthy and positive. Choose your words prayerfully and carefully, so that you continue to assure her that your love for her is not contingent upon your agreement on every issue.

With this kind of approach, you will be building a base of trust and mutual respect, creating a foundation upon which your friend will feel safe seeking your counsel on parenting and other matters in the future. In not alienating your friend with closed-minded harshness, you are letting her know that your love is unconditional. Your friend stands a much better chance of learning and growing in this kind of environment, and such a positive atmosphere will benefit not only your friend herself, but also her family and other friends.

In closing, I applaud you for endeavoring to be a living example to your friend of the benefit of a lifestyle based on asking, seeking, and knocking.

Blessings,

Blue