The Brave Heart

The Brave Heart With Jenny Baxter

By the Rivers of Babylon . . . By Jenny Baxter This January issue of Heartbeat is all about making a fresh start – taking the plunge into new territory, and enjoying new freedoms, new life and a new year. But what happens if the new start is anything BUT joyful? What if it is a tragic new start, unexpected and full of turmoil? Here are 7 suggestions to help you adjust when things are grim. Do you remember Rivers of Babylon , the Boney M song from back in the 70s? Here is a video link to remind you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nm1g8FFRArc The song is pretty much a direct quote from the first four verses of Psalm 137. It is the style of psalm known as a lament or, as my dictionary says, a song to mourn, grieve, express grief or bewail. The psalm was written by the Israelites when they were in exile in Babylon . They remembered what life was like back home, and they wept. Yet in the midst of this grief they were commanded to play beautiful songs and be merry. Does that ring true with your experience? It does for me. When I was 16, my mother died after battling with cancer for a few years. Unfortunately, I coped by internalizing much of the emotion. I kept a very brave face and attempted to carry on with ‘life as normal' as much as I could. In the intervening years I have been surprised how much work I have had to do to resolve the unexpressed grief I held down for so long. Whatever your difficult change entails, there is a necessary time of transition as you adjust to the new environment around you. As with my 16 year old experience, sometimes the change may not require an obvious physical or geographical shift and can therefore be difficult to recognize. The loss of your job, sudden disability or even your children leaving their childhood behind, can require emotional and spiritual adjustments. Perhaps the change is supposed to be a good thing, but your life has altered in ways you are not entirely happy with such as the birth of a new baby, or moving into your dream job – with long hours attached. The confusing mixed messages in our heads in these instances can really knock us around. Here are a few lessons I have learnt having managed several transitions – both positive and negative – over the years. I hope and pray they will be of help to you . . . Be easy on yourself! I have realized that change is almost always unsettling at some level. Feeling ‘back to normal' may take some time – months or even years depending on the event. What they say is true: ‘Time is a great healer'. So relax. It is ok to give yourself time to heal and adjust. Let it all out I was blessed to have access to good prayer, ministry and counseling throughout my 20s and 30s, and spent time working through the heartache resulting from my mom's death. However I didn't realize the depth of unresolved grief from those early years until my father died during 2008. For months after his passing, I was on an emotional roller-coaster as I dealt not just with his demise, but the remnants of grief from my mother's death as they were finally released too. It was relief to let it all out at last, but how much easier if I had not internalized so much as a teenager! Accept help if it is offered I suppose part of my issue has been pride, because I like to present well, and look functional (even if my world is crumbling beneath the surface!) But these are not times for pride to take over. If you are suffering from your new life, allow those around you to carry some of the load, particularly if they offer. This is especially true for new moms! And don't be afraid to ask for help either – but do be a little sensitive to wearing out others (you really don't want to use your friends up!) Choose to go out When I am feeling low, the last thing I feel like doing is being with others. However, I have discovered if I do go out and socialize I actually come away feeling so much better. Just the very act of interacting helps me forget my woes. It can be hard to do though, as my tendency is to withdraw. So I have to do some hard-talking to myself to make the effort. Slow down Some people are the opposite to me though. They find it so hard to be on their own they would prefer to be with people morning, noon and night! If you are one of those who gets through by being out there and loud, do yourself (and others) a favor by taking time out to face some of your realities head on. It doesn't hurt to be honest. You can sit down and talk confidentially with a friend, get out a notebook and write it all down, or even go for a walk in a quiet space and talk to God out loud! Write it down! Which brings me to my next point: regular journaling. This is one thing I did do as a teenager. Spending time pouring your heart out to God in a journal is always worth the discipline. Read psalms or another favorite Bible book and look for inspiration. God is eager to encourage you through his words. Be wary of making big life-changing decisions When all is going awry, it is tempting to change circumstances to make it feel better. Our minds go into fix-it mode and think of ways to help comfort the soul. Statistically, those who make life-changing decisions during times of grief or instability frequently regret it when they reflect later. So be very careful if you decide during this time to buy a new house, change jobs or think now is the time to try for a baby – sometimes decisions like these are really an attempt to make it all better, when in fact they can potentially make it worse. It is wise (and more important) to work on your personal recovery than try to change the externals. Trust God The fact remains that God uses personal suffering to grow and mature us – sad but true. There are no short cuts when it comes to gaining new insights and wisdom. So be patient, because the world will one day look rosy again. And in the meantime remember these words from Psalm 31:14-16 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Jenny Baxter has just gone against her own wisdom and recently moved away from the mission organization where she and husband Stephen have worked for the past five years, even though both her father and father-in-law died within the past few months. They justify this by saying their decision was really made in late 2007 before the trauma of 2008. What they have chosen NOT to do is move away from their networks in the organization, and has stayed in the same locale in Hobart , Tasmania where they have been developing relationships the past two years. Jenny is happy to hear from others who are suffering grief: jbaxter@mediaincorp.com

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This January issue of Heartbeat is all about making a fresh start – taking the plunge into new territory, and enjoying new freedoms, new life and a new year.

But what happens if the new start is anything BUT joyful? What if it is a tragic new start, unexpected and full of turmoil?

It is the style of psalm known as a lament or, as my dictionary says, a song to mourn, grieve, express grief or bewail. The psalm was written by the Israelites when they were in exile in Babylon . They remembered what life was like back home, and they wept. Yet in the midst of this grief they were commanded to play beautiful songs and be merry.

Does that ring true with your experience? It does for me. When I was 16, my mother died after battling with cancer for a few years. Unfortunately, I coped by internalizing much of the emotion. I kept a very brave face and attempted to carry on with ‘life as normal' as much as I could. In the intervening years I have been surprised how much work I have had to do to resolve the unexpressed grief I held down for so long.

Whatever your difficult change entails, there is a necessary time of transition as you adjust to the new environment around you. As with my 16 year old experience, sometimes the change may not require an obvious physical or geographical shift and can therefore be difficult to recognize. The loss of your job, sudden disability or even your children leaving their childhood behind, can require emotional and spiritual adjustments. Perhaps the change is supposed to be a good thing, but your life has altered in ways you are not entirely happy with such as the birth of a new baby, or moving into your dream job – with long hours attached. The confusing mixed messages in our heads in these instances can really knock us around.

Here are a few lessons I have learnt having managed several transitions – both positive and negative – over the years. I hope and pray they will be of help to you . . .

Be easy on yourself!
I have realized that change is almost always unsettling at some level. Feeling ‘back to normal' may take some time – months or even years depending on the event. What they say is true: ‘Time is a great healer'. So relax. It is ok to give yourself time to heal and adjust.

Let it all out
I was blessed to have access to good prayer, ministry and counseling throughout my 20s and 30s, and spent time working through the heartache resulting from my mom's death. However I didn't realize the depth of unresolved grief from those early years until my father died during 2008. For months after his passing, I was on an emotional roller-coaster as I dealt not just with his demise, but the remnants of grief from my mother's death as they were finally released too. It was relief to let it all out at last, but how much easier if I had not internalized so much as a teenager!

Accept help if it is offered
I suppose part of my issue has been pride, because I like to present well, and look functional (even if my world is crumbling beneath the surface!) But these are not times for pride to take over. If you are suffering from your new life, allow those around you to carry some of the load, particularly if they offer. This is especially true for new moms! And don't be afraid to ask for help either – but do be a little sensitive to wearing out others (you really don't want to use your friends up!)

Choose to go out
When I am feeling low, the last thing I feel like doing is being with others. However, I have discovered if I do go out and socialize I actually come away feeling so much better. Just the very act of interacting helps me forget my woes. It can be hard to do though, as my tendency is to withdraw. So I have to do some hard-talking to myself to make the effort.

Slow down
Some people are the opposite to me though. They find it so hard to be on their own they would prefer to be with people morning, noon and night! If you are one of those who gets through by being out there and loud, do yourself (and others) a favor by taking time out to face some of your realities head on. It doesn't hurt to be honest. You can sit down and talk confidentially with a friend, get out a notebook and write it all down, or even go for a walk in a quiet space and talk to God out loud!

Write it down!
Which brings me to my next point: regular journaling. This is one thing I did do as a teenager. Spending time pouring your heart out to God in a journal is always worth the discipline. Read psalms or another favorite Bible book and look for inspiration. God is eager to encourage you through his words.

Be wary of making big life-changing decisions
When all is going awry, it is tempting to change circumstances to make it feel better. Our minds go into fix-it mode and think of ways to help comfort the soul. Statistically, those who make life-changing decisions during times of grief or instability frequently regret it when they reflect later. So be very careful if you decide during this time to buy a new house, change jobs or think now is the time to try for a baby – sometimes decisions like these are really an attempt to make it all better, when in fact they can potentially make it worse. It is wise (and more important) to work on your personal recovery than try to change the externals.

The fact remains that God uses personal suffering to grow and mature us – sad but true. There are no short cuts when it comes to gaining new insights and wisdom. So be patient, because the world will one day look rosy again. And in the meantime remember these words from Psalm 31:14-16

But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.

Jenny Baxter has just gone against her own wisdom and recently moved away from the mission organization where she and husband Stephen have worked for the past five years, even though both her father and father-in-law died within the past few months. They justify this by saying their decision was really made in late 2007 before the trauma of 2008. What they have chosen NOT to do is move away from their networks in the organization, and has stayed in the same locale in Hobart , Tasmania where they have been developing relationships the past two years.