Dear Blue,

There is a woman in my life who for years now I have called a friend. I've always known there was something not quite balanced in things she would say and do, but I guess being blinded by my love for her as my friend I overlooked a lot. In the past few years things have gotten worse, to the point that I can no longer deny that there is a definite problem. She doesn't see it, so suggesting she seek professional counseling won't help.

Specifically, she carries on conversations in which she expresses her opinions in strong negatives, only to turn around later (sometimes days or weeks, sometimes only moments) later and portray the situation as though someone else said all the negative things and she was an innocent listener whose worst crime was listening to the negativity without stopping it. It has gone from just being bizarre and confusing to being seriously unsettling for everyone around her.

Her behavior has reached levels where it is damaging all of her friendships, and I'm afraid soon she will be left with no one who will be able to help her. Can you give me any suggestions on what to do?

Helpless in Hartford

Dear Helpless,

Mental instability comes in many forms and extends to varying degrees case by case. Each situation is unique and must be approached from a specific and individualized vantage point. Whatever your friend's official diagnosis might be (and I am certainly not in a position to make that determination), a key issue will be how you handle the situation for yourself.

First, you cannot see yourself as your friend's savior. You must relax your compulsion to figure out what is wrong, at least enough to be able to step back and find a healthy place from which to function. You may not understand the scope of your friend's illness, but her Heavenly Father does and will ultimately be her best Physician. That said, even though you may not feel it will help to suggest she seek professional help, as her friend it would be prudent for you to make the suggestion anyway; if enough of her friends suggest it, she might at some point be nudged in the direction of seeking the help she needs.

Regarding finding a safe and healthy place from which to function, this is something you will have to ascertain based on her needs, your own limitations, and the scope of the damage being done by her behavior. Her specific needs will likely need to be determined by a professional. Your personal limitations will be based upon how much you are willing and/or able to handle in terms of how strong an effect she is having on you. Simply put, you will have to figure out how much you can take, set your boundaries, and work within those healthy limits. The pervasiveness of the damage she is doing will obviously need to be addressed in some fashion, whether by a professional, mutual friend, church leaders, or some other trusted individual(s).

A word of advice on setting your personal boundaries: be careful how much you take on. If you're anything like me, you tend to bite off more than you can chew in your zeal to be helpful. Sometimes this can do more harm than good, and if we are not careful sometimes we can end up enabling undesirable behavior more than helping to form better habits and behaviors.

In short, pray first, and then talk with your friend. If she accepts your counsel, try to help steer her toward someone who can connect her with a helpful professional. If she doesn't respond positively, explain that you understand she has the option to not listen to you but there are consequences when we don't heed the advice of others when God is sending us wisdom through them. If all these efforts fail and you are left with no option outside placing her within the Lord's hands, know that they are capable hands indeed and that He will not only hold her, He will hold you as well.

Always keep praying for your friend, and never stop asking, seeking, and knocking.

Blue