Jacki's Testimony

“I can't believe this is what my life has come to.” I vividly recall saying those words when I made my first visit to the Women's Sexual Addiction Group, at Saddleback Church on January 31, 2003. My name is Jacki, and I'm a Christian believer who struggles with sexual addiction.

I was born and raised in a typical middle class family, in a small town, in the High Desert of Southern California. I am the youngest of five children. My dad was the breadwinner of the family, and my mom worked inside the home, as a full-time wife and mother. I have a lot of great memories of my childhood. My dad would always make us laugh by telling us captivating stories of lizards' drag racing across the dry lake bed, or how Santa Claus stole his toys on Christmas Eve one year. We'd have neighborhood football games in the street in front of our house until well into the night. And then there was my mom, who'd pile a bunch of us into the station wagon and take us on some of the wildest adventures. Those were good times.

Some memories of my childhood are not as enjoyable. When I was 6 yrs. old, two teenage neighbor boys began molesting my sisters and me. As we'd ride our bikes or roller skate up and down the sidewalk, the two of them would lure us into their garage and begin touching us inappropriately. After the second or third incident, I told my parents. Without hesitation, my dad promptly marched down to their house and confronted the boys and their parents. They were never a problem again. For reasons I couldn't comprehend, I had the courage to tell my parents about the situation with the neighbor boys, but I was too frightened to tell them about the abuse that was occurring in our own family. My eldest brother was molesting me as well. It became a fairly common thing; my parents would leave the house and my brother would abuse me. I don't remember when it started or why it finally stopped. I never felt like I could tell my mom and dad.

We were a very “emotionally dysfunctional” family. On the one hand, there was my mom, who taught us to find humor in virtually everything. Then there was my dad, who taught us “never to air our dirty laundry,” and never to let anyone see us hurt or upset. Instead, we'd focus on something that would make us laugh, that way we could avoid feeling pain and there'd be no need to cry.

I don't recall the last time I told my parents I loved them, or hearing either one of them saying it to me. Love was always one of those “understood” things. I can remember as a small child, kissing my parents good night, and hurrying off to bed. In contrast though, I don't recall embracing either one of them. It just wasn't something we did. I knew that they loved me, and I thought that was enough.

I had my first encounter with pornography when I was seven years old. I was playing with my dad's tools in the garage and found some adult magazines under his bench. I was intrigued by the images I saw. As I got a little older, I'd go to the local drug store and sneak an adult magazine to the back of the store so I could look at the pictures without anyone knowing. Even at such a young age, I was discrete so that no one would find out my secrets.

I started attending church with a friend of mine when I was 15. After about a year, I prayed to receive Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. My relationship with the Lord really began to grow while I was in high school. When I graduated from that Christian school, I naively thought that I'd be “exempt” from the typical challenges of young adulthood. Several years later, my mom was diagnosed with a neurological disease. I had a very difficult time coping with the idea of watching this disease rob my mom of her independence. I felt utterly helpless. I didn't know how to express feelings of pain or fear, so I turned to alcohol and began drinking in an attempt to eradicate the pain.

As my addictive lifestyle was beginning to take shape, I accepted an Information Security position at work. My new job would be to monitor the networks and to investigate cases of personnel accessing pornography over the corporate network. For over eight years, from 8 to 5, I was paid to go through each and every downloaded image and evaluate the content.

I also had a second job as a bartender at a local restaurant. After some time, I began dating some of my customers. In the beginning, I told myself that I would just go for the casual dinner and that would be it. But eventually, the boundary I had set for myself was ignored and I began taking customers home with me.

When I wasn't working, I'd be at home drinking alcohol or surfing pornographic websites on the Internet. I'd spend between 4 and 5 hours per night, visiting the On-Line dating services, adult chat rooms and utilizing the telephone to act out with people all over the country. While all of this was going on, I continued keeping up the variety of appearances that had sustained me throughout the years. At work, I was the professional. To my family, I was strong and responsible. To my church, I was the devoted Christian who never missed a Sunday. I had everyone fooled, including myself. I honestly believed that I could stop acting out any time I wanted. My life was definitely out of control!

I set many “boundaries”; telling myself that I would do “this” but definitely not “that”. I crossed every one of those boundaries, and eventually, I entered a whole new realm of acting out. I began having sexual relationships with women. I had become so disconnected from reality that it didn't matter to me, whether the person was a man or a woman. In many cases, I knew nothing about them. Who were they? Was there a spouse involved? Were they healthy? They were mere “objects” to me. Objects that I used to meet a very distorted “need” in my life.

As things appeared to be spiraling out of control, I began to realize that I needed help, but I didn't know where to turn. Just a short while later, a pastor from out of town, came to my church in view of a call. Ironically, that night he preached on the “woman at the well.” At first I thought it was simply a peculiar coincidence, that is, until his wife was called up to the pulpit and just happened to mention that she was a Christian Family Therapist. I felt as though God had just dropped these two people out of the sky for me. Once the new pastor and his wife moved to town, I began seeking counseling. From the beginning of our time together, I was honest about where I was at in my life and what I was doing. After a year or so, it became clear; that my counselor and I saw my self-created dilemma differently; oh, I knew I had “issues” but I was absolutely convinced that I could stop acting out whenever I wanted to. My counselor, on the other hand, had the audacity to ask me if I thought there was a “chance” that I could be sexually addicted. Without hesitation, my response was “Are you out of your mind? That's ridiculous!”

Even though I was seeking counseling from a Christian Family Therapist, I decided to walk away from the church. I drank more than ever, and was having countless encounters with people I didn't even know. The guilt of this lifestyle was becoming unbearable; I finally started to realize that maybe my counselor was right, I was struggling with sexual addiction. Several months went by, and I started attending church again, but my relationship with the Lord was non-existent. I couldn't accept that Christ could still love me. It was clear that my sin not only interrupted my fellowship with God, but it distorted my vision of Him as well. The truth of scripture applied to everyone else, but not me.

In the midst of this period of discovery in my life, the Celebrate Recovery ministry started at my home church. I attended a few times, but I did not feel safe; I live in a very rural area and feared the gossip that often comes from a small town. I just couldn't take the risk. Before too long, I gave up on the possibility of recovery.

So, I continued acting out and had gotten to a place where the fear of stopping was much greater than the fear of being “found out”. I just didn't care anymore. The addiction in my life had taken me on a journey that I never thought was possible. I am reminded of the scripture reference found in Deuteronomy 30:4, “Even though you are at the ends of the earth, the Lord your God will go and find you and bring you back again.” I knew that it would take something huge for me to change.

Then, over five years ago, on my birthday weekend, the bottom seemed to fall out of my world into a cloud of deceit and lies. I was devastated by the person I was involved with. Over the years, I had isolated myself from nearly all of my Christian friends. I couldn't bring myself to call anyone and explain my circumstances. I began feeling this heart wrenching pain, so I locked myself in my house for three days straight, closed the blinds and did nothing but drink alcohol and watch pornography. I honestly didn't care if I lived or died. I had finally reached my bottom.

A few days later I met with my counselor, she suggested I drive down to Saddleback Church , and attend Celebrate Recovery. It took a few more weeks, but I reluctantly agreed to go and check it out. This was no small feat for me, for you see, I still live in that same small town, which is 180 miles away from Saddleback. Despite the 3 ½ hour commute; I knew that I had exhausted all of my other options. I had finally come to the realization that I couldn't stop acting out on my own. I knew that I needed help and I literally had to go to any length to get it.

I vividly remember sitting there that first night and listening to the small group leader read the definition of Women's Sexual Addiction, and as I sat there listening, I found myself saying “that sounds exactly like me.” When the realization of that finally sunk in, I was terrified. The only thing that brought me solace, was listing to the women in the group share, and knowing that they understood what was going on in my head and heart. As I listened to these women share their experience, strength and hope, I realized that I wasn't alone. Even though I didn't share that night, I knew that I had come to a safe place. But that, in itself, was a scary admission for me. As I pulled out of the parking lot that night, I remember saying to myself that I would never go back. While I made that seemingly endless drive home the next morning, I had a lot of time to think about the night before, and I couldn't help but think about my life and what had caused me to go to Saddleback Church in the first place. The life that I had been leading was nothing but a Pandora's Box of lies. Over the next few weeks, I thought a lot about my trip to Celebrate Recovery and decided that I would go back again.

On my second or third visit, I picked up a Life Recovery Bible and a set of Celebrate Recovery Participant Guides . Because of the lengthy commute, it wasn't feasible for me to participate in a traditional weekly step study. My sponsor came up with an alternate plan; we'd work the steps together via e-mail and over the telephone. I would complete my assignments and e-mail them to her, always preparing myself for the feedback, telling me to dig a little deeper, or to expand on this or that. I became accountable to my sponsor, and made the commitment to “check in” every day, via e-mail. Ironically, the very same Internet and e-mail system that was instrumental in virtually destroying my life for so many years was now being used, by God, to restore me to wholeness.

As I began working through the lessons in the Participant Guides, I remember feeling as though it was such a futile effort. Every time it seemed as though I was gaining a “foothold” in my recovery, inevitably an ex-affair partner would knock on the door, a tempting e-mail would arrive in the inbox, or a voice from the past would call me on the phone. For several months, I'd find myself at home alone in the evenings or late into the night, wanting so badly to act out. I knew that if I stayed in my house, I'd find whatever means I could to act out. But I couldn't get in the car and leave either, because I knew if I left my house, I'd drive to see someone I shouldn't be with. It seemed like I couldn't be safe anywhere, so I'd sit on my front porch for hours at a time. It could be the dead of winter, at 3am, and there I'd sit, wrapped in my down comforter. I was so frustrated and scared. Thankfully, as I began connecting with the other ladies from Celebrate Recovery, in time, I was able to replace those chilly nights on the porch, with a phone call to one of my accountability partners. I found it relatively easy to pick up the phone and let one of these godly women know that I was struggling. The one thing I couldn't do was pray. I couldn't bear the thought of looking God in the eye and telling him where I had been. For years I had filled my head with all of these images and now, that was all my eyes could see. It didn't matter what time of day or night it was, or who I was with, all I saw was this filth of my past. It was as though I was being mentally tortured by my thought life. It was these very thoughts that kept me from experiencing any healing in the first part of my recovery.

And then there was Principle 3. It was at this point that I knew I had to make a choice; I could choose life, or I could choose death. I chose life. I made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of God. I finally accepted that He really does love me. Despite my past failures, he did just as he promised; he met me right where I was at and offered abundant forgiveness and grace. He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us a new life through the Holy Spirit. (Titus 3:5).

When I entered Recovery some five years ago, I never imagined the “ups” and “downs” that I would encounter along the way. The Lord reminds me of something extremely important; “ For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster.” Over the past few of years, I've found myself being wheeled through the doors of an operating room, on more than one occasion. Each time, I was forced to reflect on my entire life, but more importantly, on how the Lord had used such incredible dysfunction in my life, to bring me into a Christ-Centered 12-Step Recovery program that would reinstate in my heart and mind, the all important, never ending truths of scripture. Celebrate Recovery brought me to a place where the longing to be pure and right with the Lord, became so much bigger than my weak and selfish desires. Had I never gone through the pain of my past failures, I don't believe that I would've come to a place that I was secure enough to trust the Lord for my physical and spiritual health, but more importantly, for my future, whatever that may look like.

Over these past five years, my frequent trips to Saddleback Church have become an integral part of my recovery. In recent months, I have led two different Step Study groups at my home church. While I love sitting in a small group and sharing about how this ministry has quite literally transformed my life; the thing that brings me the greatest joy, is the amazing blessing of sponsoring other women, and leading them through this same recovery journey where I've found inexplicable hope, peace and freedom. I've been blessed by a small group of women, who have modeled for me, what this recovery journey is all about. It's because of each one of them, in their individual significant ways, that on July 18, 2008, I will celebrate five years of sobriety from sexual addiction.

I've heard it said that there's a huge difference between sobriety and recovery. In my own life, recovery has many different facets. The one I am currently working on is my relationship with the Lord. While it is obvious to me that I wouldn't be where I am at today if it weren't for his faithfulness and grace in my life, I still feel rather distant from Him. In many ways, it's like I am meeting him again for the first time. Step by step, I am learning to pray without being fearful. I'm learning to put my trust in him, one day at a time. As my recovery progresses, so to, will my relationship with the Lord.

In the recently released “Celebrate Recovery Bible”, my story is perfectly matched with the character sketch of Lazarus, who had be dead in a tomb for four long days, when Jesus called to him and said “ Lazarus, come out! ” As he emerged from the tomb, bound in graveclothes, Jesus said to the onlookers “Unwrap the grave clothes from my friend.” That's exactly what my sponsor and accountability partners have done for me. If it weren't for them, I'd still be wrapped in the grave clothes of my past.

Maybe you're sitting there reading this, feeling like I've just told a little of your story. You're not reading this by accident and you're most definitely not alone. I've got good news for you, there is hope!

Feel free to contact me, via E-Mail (noos4me@gmail.com), and let me encourage you as you begin your journey to healing and freedom from the life that is keeping you from your personal relationship with Jesus Christ!

Thank you for letting me share.