Never a Princess

“Oh you're Daddy's little girl!”   “How's my little princess?”   “What boys do I need to sit on to protect my little angel?” Phrases that ghostly echo through time. If any of these were ever spoken to you – at any time in your life – from any loving male figure, you need to thank them.

I never heard those important words. Never do I remember my father telling me that I was beautiful, smart, funny or even just cute. But rather, I was made to feel like a burden, some “thing” to ‘deal with'. I was made to feel as though I was a hassle and a nuisance.

I longed to be loved. I lived day after day, year after year, with an ache in my heart to have the affirming joy of my parents. No bed-time tuck-ins, never a bed-time story. Regardless of what I asked for, the answer was always “no”.   When other kids scoffed at taking piano lessons, I dreamed of learning how to play the piano.   I yearned for ballet lessons with pretty, lacy tutus' and pink slippers, watching my parents applaud my attempt to be a ballerina.   Even a basketball hoop was out of the question.

The cop-out was always the same, “We can't afford it.” But no one even bothered to find out what it may cost, and even worse, there was never that shared disappointment of ‘so sorry we cannot do this for you – our little angel – we would if we could'.   Just, flat, no.   By the time I was in fifth grade, I knew better than to ask anymore. High school drill team would have been ‘the living end' to me, but that cost money, and I was, after all…worthless.   Although this behavior was equal between my mother and father, it would have been more tolerable if my dad would have done the things that money can't buy.

When the bully who lived down the street hit me in the face with a rock – yes – in the face – with a rock, I ran to my dad.   He blew me off…he did nothing…I was defenseless.   When I asked him to help me learn to ride my bicycle by holding me up while I peddled, he refused.   I remember him saying “A few good scrapes will be good for you!” I was scared and needed his help.

The concern and protection of a father translates into personal value. It is my opinion that it is better to have an absent father than to have one present in the home who ignores you.

Is your father in prison? Has your father put you in an emotional prison? Is he deceased? Do you think he is free? Are you free?

We celebrate a national holiday called Fathers Day.   The Bible says in Matthew, as one of the Ten Commandments, to “Honor your father and mother”. So how does one celebrate and honor a father who was never around – physically or emotionally or both?   How do you celebrate a father who left you with anger, disappointment, pain, abandonment and fear?

We deserved so much better.

The first step is to realize one important fact: Your father did the best he could with what he had.   He just didn't have much. Answer the following questions and you will gain insight into his behavior.

Who were his parents and what did they do?

In what part of the country was he raised and what were the circumstances surrounding that area?

What were his childhood experiences?

What is his education level?

What were his circumstances when you were born?

In my case, my dad was dreadfully afraid of my mother who was extremely jealous of me.   Talk about dysfunctional. I learned later in life that my father could not acknowledge me without repercussion from my mother…but he should have anyway.   He should have stood up to her.   He should have stood up for me…noticed me…loved me. I guessed at the time, in his estimation, I just wasn't worth it; besides he lacked the skills and courage to pull it off, even if he wanted to. So he failed me.

The conclusion to this first step is to forgive him for being weak and for being a failure.   You cannot forgive in your emotional realm, you must forgive by faith. Jesus said, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do”, and truly your father was clueless.

Secondly, ask yourself if he taught you ANYTHING; can you glean anything from your father's life?   I can say I learned one thing: faithfulness. He went to work every morning, came home every night, and put his check in the bank every week – for over 40 years at his blue collar job.   I don't feel like he was faithful to me, but he was faithful to my mom and to us as a family. That is worth something in my life.

I celebrate Father's Day with a bitter-sweetness deep in my soul.   A quiet faded sadness that no one knows about.   The smile on my face is genuine because the work of forgiveness began a long time ago.   Now my dad is old.   I worked with him at the time of my mother's death on an emotional level that we had never shared, and gave more to him than I knew I had to give.   It crossed my mind that he didn't deserve my help, but would I stoop that low, or sacrifice like Jesus?   Ironically, he seems to be happier than I have ever seen him…which makes me happy for him! I celebrate because the Bible instructs me to honor my father and I would rather be obedient to a heavenly father who will never leave me, never abandon me.

If you have to give honor through clenched teeth and tears, just go ahead and start this year.   Sow that obedience into your own life.   Forgive by faith, honor the best way you can and the fruit of it will return to you…in surprising ways. Rise above it, and the peace of knowing you are in control of your life, and he no longer has control, will give you subtle strength.

Hum a song to your heavenly father who truly loves you, truly knows you, and wants the best for you.   Not even the greatest father on Earth can compare to the One who walks with you every day, who rescues you in every way, whose arms are strong and always open…to you – his beautiful, priceless, princess.

To Contact Sher:   sher@designbysher.com