Dear God, I Suck!
By: Lisa Easterling (aka. LadyBlue) ©

I didn't want to go to worship last night.  My heart was in a million pieces and I just didn't feel like I had it in me to go and sing upbeat praise music and shout adoration.  I felt closed, guarded, broken, used up, overwhelmed,  wrecked . When it came time to pray, I felt anything but prayerful.  I bowed my head, and before my lip guardian could get her bearings, I whispered, "Dear God, I suck."

If I hadn't been so torn up inside, I would've laughed aloud at myself.  I pondered where the statement had come from, what was going on in my head and heart that would elicit such a declaration.  Then I quietly wept.  For an hour.   Why is it that I automatically assume fault for everything that goes wrong in the world?  What good does it to constantly beat myself to an emotional pulp?

Rumors fly in any group, and churches are sadly no exception.  One thing I'm learning, though, is that "they" (you know, that invisible person who gets the credit/blame for everything people want said) get blamed for many hurtful and defamatory statements, and it's all too easy to begin to think everyone has the same complaint.  It's a tool the Enemy loves to use, capable of doing no small amount of damage under the cloak of anonymity. 

One of the most difficult but crucial tasks we face is discerning between criticisms that can bring growth, and criticisms that tear down and destroy.  It's all about sifting.  A close friend came to me after worship and told me, "Just remember one thing as you are hearing negative comments: You have to sift through what is said and prayerfully consider it as a whole.  Take what fortifies and leave what diminishes."

So today, I'm looking at myself and life in general through my Prayer Glasses. I'm sifting through all that is frantically swirling around in my head and seeking the wisdom to take...and leave.  God didn't blunder when He created me.  He wants me to grow, and not be stunted by the insecurities and pettiness that spring from the broken hearts and lives of others.  I can't help others to heal if I'm in a puddle on the floor.  I don't suck.  In fact, I almost believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Contact Lisa at: www.lisaeasterling.com , www.easterlingphotoarts.com ,   www.xanga.com/ladyblue1

Lisa's email contact is:   lisa.ladyblue@verizon.net

BIO:
Lisa Easterling, also known as Ladyblue, is a freelance writer, editor, and photographer. She resides in sunny Florida  with her prince of 27 years, five children, and one granddaughter.  She is a 20th-year home educator who jokes that she is only five years away from a silver medal.  Lisa also stays immersed in church activity where she serves as a worship team vocalist, instrumentalist, and lead worshiper, in addition to directing and arranging music for the worship orchestra.  In her "spare" time she coaches the HeartWords and Wordweavers writers groups both locally and online, and leads the Real Christian Woman Online E-Community. She periodically manages to escape to the Barnes & Noble Cafe for a sanity-saving Frappuccino .