Dear Blue,
My wife recently, this past summer, left me.  She told me that she really never loved me and that I was a rebound from someone else.  This came totally out of nowhere!  I've tried talking to her and reasoning with her.  I asked her to go to counseling with me; she said 'no', I just don't understand it!  I am very sad and distraught over the whole situation.  Our divorce was final a month ago.  We have two small children and have been married for 7 YEARS!  I have a good job and I am going to school to further my education.  I'm not a bad guy; I treated her with love and respect.  When she got a new job this past year, she began hanging out with some people that I thought were a little "loose"; I call them "partiers"... they go to clubs and hang out and drink, etc... She started going with them and then started to change.  I know I cannot change her, but what can I do to go on with my life?  I have two small children and I want to be the best for them, but, I am so depressed and lonely.  I do go to church, but haven't really got involved with people, yet... please give me some advice or tips on how to move on with my life.  When will this pain in my stomach go away?

Thank you,

Wife Gone in Nevada

Dear Wife Gone in Nevada ,

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to allow others the free will bestowed upon all of us by our loving Creator, particularly when the exercising of that free will brings pain to others. It is even more difficult when we are watching someone we love exercise their free will in a way that is hurtful to them as well. Keep in mind that sometimes those making wrong choices will say things that seem to justify their actions, such as your former wife's statement about you being a rebound; it is easier to say something like that than to face the gravity of the choice to end a marriage.

We don't have to search very deeply to see why God hates divorce. It tears apart what He has joined together, and that can only mean pain. Just as marriage is a perfect picture of our relationship with our loving Bridegroom, divorce depicts the anguish of separation from Him. It's no wonder those caught up in divorce, particularly those who are not in favor of it but are left no choice in the matter, are so deeply wounded; All this to say that your sadness over the situation gives you a glimpse of what our Father feels when we choose things that are detrimental to us and others.

As for what you can do to go on with your life, my first advice would be to immerse yourself in prayer and get into the Word, and by that I mean deeply into the Word. Trust God to lead you to Scripture passages that will heal your wounded heart and renew you in a way only He can. There is a gaping empty place where your wife used to be, and that void can only be filled successfully by the One who knit you together in the first place. You can't control what your former wife does, but you can control what you do from here on.

Secondly, I would suggest that you find a few close friends with whom you can spend time and who will pray for and with you, with your best interest at heart. Friendship can go a long way toward helping you to know that you are not alone in your sufferings, and can remind you that God places special people in our lives to carry out His plan for repairing your heart and restoring your joy in life. It sounds as though you are aware that connecting with others in your church family could help you (after all, what is the church, but people?); I think you are absolutely right about that, and would suggest that you seek out at least one man with whom you feel comfortable being real. Building a strong Godly friendship on the foundation of realness is the perfect place to begin to heal.

It is very likely that you will eventually need to sit down with your former wife and talk candidly about how your children could be affected by the people she hangs out with, and to set up some guidelines together. It might be a good idea to have a mutually trusted friend such as a pastor, church elder, or counselor (if she will allow it) sit in on your conversation. You may not feel very strong right now, but in time you will be renewed such that you are able to stand up to her behavior with courage and conviction for the good of your children, and ultimately for her as well. Remember also that your children will only benefit from seeing their father rise up from the ashes and bring God glory by his attitude and behavior in the face of adversity.

Keep in mind, too, that God is doing a work in her life and He won't forsake her, either. We are never beyond the reach of His mighty right hand (Psalm 139:7-10), and His desire is that she return to the safety of His care and will for her life. You can and must continue to pray for her heart to be softened to His call.

The pain in your stomach will subside. Only the Father knows exactly when, but you can be assured that He is holding you in the palm of His hand as you heal. You are lonely but not alone, deserted but not abandoned, sad but not despairing (2 Cor. 4:8), for God will surely renew your strength as you turn to Him for help. He will never let you go.

Know that you are in my prayers, dear brother.

Blue

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